[Hindi_Jokes] THE COMPLETE PANDITJI ENCYCLOPEDIA
THE COMPLETE PANDITJI ENCYCLOPEDIA
Panditji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
**********************
Panditji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Panditji and hangs up.
**********************
Our Panditji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He
was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote :
Yes
**********************
Panditji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
************
"Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Panditji and hangs up.
************
was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote :
Yes
************
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and *again* barefoot!"
**********************
A Pandit goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk,
"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies,
"That is a thermos flask."
The Pandit then asks, "What does it do?"
************
A Pandit goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk,
"What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies,
"That is a thermos flask."
The Pandit then asks, "What does it do?"
- The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The Pandit says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His Pandit boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Pandit replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Coke."
********************* A Pandit took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Punjab, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai"*
********************
What will a Panditji do after taking photocopies ?
He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
*********************
What will a Panditji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ?
(he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!!
******************* Punjab. Verma raised a point,
Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free
"Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Sharma replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed."
All the surds became happy at this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a
single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied,
"OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE
TAKE OVER USA ?????"
TAKE OVER USA ?????"
**********************
Pandit went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to PANDITs," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Pandits," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
Pandit went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to PANDITs," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Pandits," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Pandits," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Pandit?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
**********************
Why did 18 Panditjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
**********************
How do you measure a Pandit's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
**********************
What do you do when a Pandit throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
**********************
What do you do when a Pandit throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
**********************
How do you make a Pandit laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
**********************
What is the Pandit doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
**********************
* Why do Pandits work seven days a week?
* So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Pandit?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
************
Why did 18 Panditjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
************
How do you measure a Pandit's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
************
What do you do when a Pandit throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
************
What do you do when a Pandit throws a pin at you?
Run like crazy....he'
************
How do you make a Pandit laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
************
What is the Pandit doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
************
* Why do Pandits work seven days a week?
* So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* **********************
* Why can't Pandits make ice cubes?
* They always forget the recipe.
* Why can't Pandits make ice cubes?
* They always forget the recipe.
* **********************
* How did the Pandit try to kill the bird?
* He threw it off a cliff.
* How did the Pandit try to kill the bird?
* He threw it off a cliff.
* **********************
* What do you call 10 Pandits standing ear to ear?
* A wind tunnel.
* **********************
What do you see when you look into a Pandit's eyes?
The back of his head.
* **********************
What do you call a Pandit who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* **********************
What do you call a Pandit who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
* **********************
Why does Pandit always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* **********************
Why does Pandit have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* **********************
How can you tell when Pandit sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
* **********************
Why can't Pandit dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* **********************
How do you get Pandit on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
* **********************
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Pandit looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
* **********************
What do smart Pandit and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
* **********************
Why does it take longer to build a Pandit snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
* **********************
The doctor told Panditji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Panditji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
* **********************
Pandits Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.
* What do you call 10 Pandits standing ear to ear?
* A wind tunnel.
* ************
What do you see when you look into a Pandit's eyes?
The back of his head.
* ************
What do you call a Pandit who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* ************
What do you call a Pandit who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
* ************
Why does Pandit always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* ************
Why does Pandit have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* ************
How can you tell when Pandit sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
* ************
Why can't Pandit dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* ************
How do you get Pandit on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
* ************
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Pandit looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
* ************
What do smart Pandit and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
* ************
Why does it take longer to build a Pandit snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
* ************
The doctor told Panditji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Panditji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
* ************
Pandits Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.
Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
* **********************
A Panditji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
* ************
A Panditji goes to the see
"Kyon Panditji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"
Panditji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
* **********************
> > * Panditji is trying to commit suicide on the
> > railway
> > tracks
> > * and
> > * he takesalong some wine and chicken with him.
> >
> > * Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab
kyon
> > leke
> > baithe
> > * ho?"
> > * Panditji replies "Saali train late aati hai
kahin
> > bhook se
> > * na
> > *
> > * marjaun"
> > *
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Once a Panditji was travelling on a train. He
felt
> > sleepy so
> > * he
> > * gave the guy sitting opposite him on
> > * the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the
> > station
> > arrived.
> > * This guy was a barber, and he felt that
> > for 20
> > * Rupees,
> > *
> > * the Panditji deserved more service. So, when the
> > Panditji
> > * fell
> > *
> > * asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
> > *
> > * When the station arrived, the Panditji was woken
> > up, and
> > * he
> > * went
> > * home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face,
> > and
> > * suddenly
> > * screamed when he saw the mirror.
> > * Said his wife " What's the matter?"
> > * Replied he "The cheat on the train has
> > taken my 20
> > * rupees and woken up someone else"
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Having lost his donkey a Panditji, got down to
his
> > knees
> > * and
> > *
> > * started thanking God. A passerby saw
> > him and
> > * asked,
> > *
> > * "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking
God
> > for ?"
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > * The Panditji replied "I am thanking Him for
seeing
> > to it
> > that I
> > * wasn't riding the donkey at that time,
> > * otherwise
> > * I
> > *
> > * would have been missing too."
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Panditji got the 4th child. He fills data in the
> > birth
> > * certificate
> > * "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
> > * "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents
> > are
> > Sikh?"
> > * " Aah, I read a newspaper, it
> > says that
> > * every
> > * 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Panditji were
sent
> > to the
> > * outer
> > * space.
> > * The ground control issues commands "Rubi!"
"Woof!"
> > (it's
> > * the
> > *
> > * barking sound)
> > * "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!"
> > * "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
> > * "Panditji!" "Woof."
> > * "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch
> > anything!"
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Panditji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street
> > which has a
> > * Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants
> > to buy
> > * the
> > * clock on the Tower. Panditji says "Yes". "Give
me
> > a
> > * thousand
> > * rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The
> > man took
> > * the
> > * thousand and disappeared. Having waited for
> > several
> > hours
> > *
> > *
> > * the Panditji figured he was taken for a ride. On
> > the next
> > day the
> > *
> > * Panditji is again walking along the same street
> > and the
> > * same
> > *
> > * man asks him to buy the clock. "Give
> > me a
> > * thousand
> > * rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Panditji
> > gives
> > him
> > * the
> > *
> > * thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time,
you
> > wait
> > * and
> > * I'll
> > * go get a ladder."
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Verma and Sharma landed up in Bombay.
> > They
> > * managed
> > * to
> > * get into a double-decker bus. Verma
> > somehow
> > * managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate
> > Banta got
> > * pushed to the top.
> > *
> > * After a while when the rush was over,
> > Santa went
> > * upstairs to see friend Sharma. He met Banta
> > in a bad
> > * condition clutching the seats in front with both
> > hands,
> > * scared to death. He says, "Arre Sharma !
> > What the
> > * heck's
> > *
> > * goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying
> > my ride
> > * down
> > * there ?
> > * Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a
> > *driver.*"
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Verma with two red ears went to his
doctor.
> > The
> > * doctor
> > * asked him what had happened to his ears and he
> > answered,
> > * "
> > * I
> > *
> > * was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but
> > instead of
> > * picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the
> > iron
> > * and
> > * stuck it to my ear."
> > * " Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
> > * "But ..what happened to your other ear?"
> > * "The scoundrel called back."
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Verma is called for an interview in some
> > firm. He lands
> > there
> > * on
> > * time. He is immediately hauled inside in front
of
> > the
> > interviewing
> > * officer.
> > * Officer looks at Verma then goes through
his
> > certificates and
> > * then
> > * starts asking him questions.
> > *
> > * Following is the transcript :
> > * O : Mr. Verma, after seeing your
> > qualifications &
> > credentials I
> > * would
> > * like to ask you only some simple questions.If
you
> > can answer
> > those
> > * then
> > * you are selected. First we will start with some
> > opposites
> > * S : Yes Sir.
> > * Officer started asking questions
> > * O : Above
> > * S : Below
> > * O : Front
> > * S : Back
> > * O : Left
> > * S : Right
> > * O : Male
> > * S : Female
> > * O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
> > * S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
> > * O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
> > * S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our Pandit also
> > spells it)
> > * O : U.....G.....L ....... Y.....(Officer shouts)
> > * S : P ..... I ..... C ...... H ........ H ...... L
> > .....
> > Y......
> > * Our Pandit also shouts)
> > * Officer is now angry.
> > * O : Get out
> > * S : Come in.
> > * O : Quiet please.
> > * S : Talk please.
> > * O : You are rejected.
> > * S : I am selected
> > * ....... ....... and This is how Verma got
> > his job.
> > * **********************
> > * A Panditji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
> > After
> > eating
> > * he
> > * goes to wash his hands but starts washing the
> > basin
> > * instead.
> > * The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji,
> > aap kya
> > kar
> > * rahe
> > * ho?"
> > * To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar
> > board
> > lagaya
> > *
> > * hai, " Wash Basin".
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Verma got up in the middle of the night to
> > answer
> > the
> > * telephone.
> > * "Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
> > * "No, this is eleven eleven."
> > * "Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
> > * "No, this is eleven eleven."
> > * "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on
> > the
> > middle of
> > *
> > * the night."
> > * "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to
> > answer the
> >
> > * telephone anyway."
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Once Verma broke his leg when he threw his
> > cigarette butt
> > *
> > * down the manhole and tried to step on it.
> > *
> > * **********************
> > * Verma tried to light his cigarette. He
> > struck the
> > first
> > *
> > * match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't
> > light.
> > * He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third
one
> > finally
> > * lit.
> > *
> > * He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match
out
> > and
> > put it in
> > * his
> > *
> > * vest pocket.
> > * "What for did you put that match in your vest
> > pocket?"
> > * "That's a good match. I'll use it again."
> > *
> >
>**************************************************************
> > *
> > * A Pandit sees lot of guys running on the
highway.
> > Asks a
> >
> > * bystander as to why're the guys doing what
they're
> > doing.
> > * The bystander: A Marathon race is going on
Pandit:
> > What do
> > * they
> > *
> > * get from that?
> > * Bystander : The winner will get a prize
> > * Pandit : Then why are the others running?!
> > *
> > *
> >
>**************************************************************
> > * Then there's the one about the Panditji who
> > brought his
> >
> > * binoculars to a funeral where they were going to
> > bury a
> > * DISTANT relative of his...
> >
> > **********************
> > One Pandit came to Madras and wanted to
> > do shopping in Burma
> > bazaar. His Tamilian friend told the Pandit
> > that the prices
> > will
> > be
> >
> > costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the
> > price.
> >
> > Pandit went and asked the price of
> > stereo for which the vendor
> >
> > told 2000 Rs. Pandit asked for Rs.1000.
> > vendor told he can give
> > for
> >
> > Rs.1800 for which Pandit told no, no only Rs.900.
> >
> > Vendor told ok, I will give it for 1500
> > Rs. for which Pandit
> > bargained for Rs.750. It was going on like
> > this when finally
> > vendor
> >
> > out of irritation said he will give the Pandit the
> > stereo free
> > of
> > cost.
> >
> > "Our Pandit asked whether he will give
> > two."
> >
> > **********************
> > A Pandit buys a ticket and wins the
> > lottery. He goes to
> > Austin
> > to
> > claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
> > Our Pandit says, "I want my $20
> > million."
> >
> > The man replied, "No, Sir. It doesn't
> > work that way. We give
> > you
> > a million today and then you'll get the rest
spread
> > out for the
> > next
> >
> > 19 years.
> > " Pandit said, "Oh, no. I want all my
> > money right now! I won
> > it
> >
> > and I want it."
> >
> > Again, the man explained that he would only get
> > a million that
> > day
> > and
> > the rest during the next 19 years.
> > Pandit, furious with the man, screams
> > out, "Look, I want my
> > money! if you're not going to give me my $20
million
> > right now, then I want my 1 dollar
> > back!"
> >
> > **********************
> > Pandit Sharma went to the emergency
> > room with the tip
> > of
> > his
> > index finger blown off.
> > "How did this happen?" the doctor
> > asked.
> > "Well I was trying to commit suicide,"
> > Sharma replied.
> > The doctor asked, "Trying to commit
> > suicide by shooting your
> > finger?"
> > "No, silly! First I put the gun on my
> > head and I thought my
> > face
> > would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and
I
> > thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my
> > teeth straightened.
> > So
> > then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is
> > going
> > to make a loud noise, so I put my finger
> > in my other ear
> > before
> > I
> > pulled the trigger.
> >
> > **********************
> > After making a trip of South India, Santa
> > Singh, his wife and his
> > son
> > were
> > returning to Punjab in Tamil Nadu Express.
> > Verma was
> > occupying
> > the
> > lower berth, his wife the middle berth and
> > his son the top most
> > berth
> > in
> >
> > the train.
> > When the train stopped at one of the
> > stations on the way back the
> > son
> > requested Verma to bring him a cup of
> > ice-cream to which Santa
> > readily agreed. When Santa and his son
> > returned they found that a
> > South
> >
> > Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had
> > occupied his son's berth.
> > Outraged, Verma called the TTE and
> > asked him to help. TTE
> > requested
> > that he could not understand Hindi/ Punjabi
> > so it would be better if
> > Verma explained the whole situation to him
in
> > English.
> > Verma explained, "That man sleeping on top
of
> > my wife is not
> > giving
> > berth to my child."
> >
> > **********************
> > A Pandit was walking along, when he looked
> > up to observe a bird
> > flying
> > overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load
> > when it was directly over
> > him.
> > The Pandit says, "It is good that cows don't fly.
> >
> > **********************
> > A Pandit is in a bar and his cellular phone
> > rings, so he picks it up
> > and
> >
> > says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
> >
> > **********************
> > How many Pandits does it take to pull off a
> > kidnapping?
> > Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to
> > write the ransom note.
> >
> > **********************
> > Why are Pandit secret agents the best in the
> > world?
> > Because even under torture they can't
> > remember what they have been
> > assigned to.
> >
> > **********************
> > Did you hear about the Pandit who signed all
> > his checks so no one
> > else
> > could use them if he lost his checkbook?
> >
> > **********************
> > Did you hear about the Pandit who asked his
> > friends to give him all
> > of
> > their burnt out light bulbs?
> > He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a
> > Darkroom.
> >
> > **********************
> > Sharma was painting his living room one
> > hot day.
> > "Why", his friend Verma asked him, "are you
> > wearing two
> > jackets?".
> > "Because," said Sharma, "The directions on
the
> > can says 'put on
> > two
> >
> > coats'."
> >
> > **********************
> > A Pandit was given the job of painting the
> > white lines down the
> > middle
> > of
> > a highway. On his first day he painted six miles;
> > the next day three
> > miles; the following day less than a mile. Then
the
> > foreman asked
> > the
> > Pandit why he kept painting less each day, he
> > replied
> > "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep
> > getting farther away
> > from
> > the
> > paint can."
> >
> > **********************
> > Why does a Pandit keep empty beer bottles in
> > his fridge?
> > They're there for those who don't drink.
> >
> > **********************
> > Why do Pandits have see-through lunch box
> > lids?
> > So that when they're on the train they can tell if
> > they're going to
> > work
> >
> > or coming home.
> >
> > **********************
> > Pandit, a Japanese, and a British were lost
> > in the desert. They were
> > driving around in a Jeep when it broke down,
> > because they had
> > nothing
> > else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep
> > as they continued
> > their
> > journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the
> > British took the seat,
> > and
> > the Pandit took the door.
> >
> > After a while of walking the British asked
> > the Japanese "I'm
> > confused,
> > why
> > did you bring the radiator?" The Japanese
> > responded, "If I get
> > thirsty,
> > I
> > can drink the fluid."
> >
> > Next the Pandit asked the British "Why did
> > you bring the seat?" So
> > the
> > British said "If I get tired,I am not going
> > to sit on the sand. I
> > can
> > sit
> > on this comfortable seat."
> >
> > Finally the Japanese asked the Pandit why he
> > had chosen the door.
> > The
> > Pandit quickly responded to this question, "Well,
> > when it gets hot
> > all
> > I
> > have to do is roll down the window."
> >
> > **********************
> > Why couldn't the Pandit write the number
> > "eleven"?
> > He didn't know which "one" came first...
> >
> > **********************
> > Did you hear about the Pandit skydiver?
He missed the Earth!
Panditji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
* ************
> > * Panditji is trying to commit suicide on the
> > railway
> > tracks
> > * and
> > * he takesalong some wine and chicken with him.
> >
> > * Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab
kyon
> > leke
> > baithe
> > * ho?"
> > * Panditji replies "Saali train late aati hai
kahin
> > bhook se
> > * na
> > *
> > * marjaun"
> > *
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Once a Panditji was travelling on a train. He
felt
> > sleepy so
> > * he
> > * gave the guy sitting opposite him on
> > * the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the
> > station
> > arrived.
> > * This guy was a barber, and he felt that
> > for 20
> > * Rupees,
> > *
> > * the Panditji deserved more service. So, when the
> > Panditji
> > * fell
> > *
> > * asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard.
> > *
> > * When the station arrived, the Panditji was woken
> > up, and
> > * he
> > * went
> > * home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face,
> > and
> > * suddenly
> > * screamed when he saw the mirror.
> > * Said his wife " What's the matter?"
> > * Replied he "The cheat on the train has
> > taken my 20
> > * rupees and woken up someone else"
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Having lost his donkey a Panditji, got down to
his
> > knees
> > * and
> > *
> > * started thanking God. A passerby saw
> > him and
> > * asked,
> > *
> > * "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking
God
> > for ?"
> > *
> > *
> > *
> > * The Panditji replied "I am thanking Him for
seeing
> > to it
> > that I
> > * wasn't riding the donkey at that time,
> > * otherwise
> > * I
> > *
> > * would have been missing too."
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Panditji got the 4th child. He fills data in the
> > birth
> > * certificate
> > * "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
> > * "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents
> > are
> > Sikh?"
> > * " Aah, I read a newspaper, it
> > says that
> > * every
> > * 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Panditji were
sent
> > to the
> > * outer
> > * space.
> > * The ground control issues commands "Rubi!"
"Woof!"
> > (it's
> > * the
> > *
> > * barking sound)
> > * "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!"
> > * "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
> > * "Panditji!" "Woof."
> > * "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch
> > anything!"
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Panditji is in
> > which has a
> > * Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants
> > to buy
> > * the
> > * clock on the Tower. Panditji says "Yes". "Give
me
> > a
> > * thousand
> > * rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The
> > man took
> > * the
> > * thousand and disappeared. Having waited for
> > several
> > hours
> > *
> > *
> > * the Panditji figured he was taken for a ride. On
> > the next
> > day the
> > *
> > * Panditji is again walking along the same street
> > and the
> > * same
> > *
> > * man asks him to buy the clock. "Give
> > me a
> > * thousand
> > * rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Panditji
> > gives
> > him
> > * the
> > *
> > * thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time,
you
> > wait
> > * and
> > * I'll
> > * go get a ladder."
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Verma and Sharma landed up in
> > They
> > * managed
> > * to
> > * get into a double-decker bus. Verma
> > somehow
> > * managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate
> > Banta got
> > * pushed to the top.
> > *
> > * After a while when the rush was over,
> > Santa went
> > * upstairs to see friend Sharma. He met Banta
> > in a bad
> > * condition clutching the seats in front with both
> > hands,
> > * scared to death. He says, "Arre Sharma !
> > What the
> > * heck's
> > *
> > * goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying
> > my ride
> > * down
> > * there ?
> > * Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a
> > *driver.*"
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Verma with two red ears went to his
doctor.
> > The
> > * doctor
> > * asked him what had happened to his ears and he
> > answered,
> > * "
> > * I
> > *
> > * was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but
> > instead of
> > * picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the
> > iron
> > * and
> > * stuck it to my ear."
> > * " Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
> > * "But ..what happened to your other ear?"
> > * "The scoundrel called back."
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Verma is called for an interview in some
> > firm. He lands
> > there
> > * on
> > * time. He is immediately hauled inside in front
of
> > the
> > interviewing
> > * officer.
> > * Officer looks at Verma then goes through
his
> > certificates and
> > * then
> > * starts asking him questions.
> > *
> > * Following is the transcript :
> > * O : Mr. Verma, after seeing your
> > qualifications &
> > credentials I
> > * would
> > * like to ask you only some simple questions.If
you
> > can answer
> > those
> > * then
> > * you are selected. First we will start with some
> > opposites
> > * S : Yes Sir.
> > * Officer started asking questions
> > * O : Above
> > * S : Below
> > * O : Front
> > * S : Back
> > * O : Left
> > * S : Right
> > * O : Male
> > * S : Female
> > * O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
> > * S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
> > * O : Ugly...U-G-L-
> > * S : Pichhly...P-
> > spells it)
> > * O : U.....G.....
> > * S : P ..... I ..... C ...... H ........ H ...... L
> > .....
> > Y......
> > * Our Pandit also shouts)
> > * Officer is now angry.
> > * O : Get out
> > * S : Come in.
> > * O : Quiet please.
> > * S : Talk please.
> > * O : You are rejected.
> > * S : I am selected
> > * ....... ....... and This is how Verma got
> > his job.
> > * ************
> > * A Panditji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
> > After
> > eating
> > * he
> > * goes to wash his hands but starts washing the
> > basin
> > * instead.
> > * The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji,
> > aap kya
> > kar
> > * rahe
> > * ho?"
> > * To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar
> > board
> > lagaya
> > *
> > * hai, "
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Verma got up in the middle of the night to
> > answer
> > the
> > * telephone.
> > * "Is this one one one one?", says the voice.
> > * "No, this is
> > * "Are you sure it isn't one one one one?"
> > * "No, this is eleven eleven."
> > * "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on
> > the
> > middle of
> > *
> > * the night."
> > * "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to
> > answer the
> >
> > * telephone anyway."
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Once Verma broke his leg when he threw his
> > cigarette butt
> > *
> > * down the manhole and tried to step on it.
> > *
> > * ************
> > * Verma tried to light his cigarette. He
> > struck the
> > first
> > *
> > * match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't
> > light.
> > * He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third
one
> > finally
> > * lit.
> > *
> > * He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match
out
> > and
> > put it in
> > * his
> > *
> > * vest pocket.
> > * "What for did you put that match in your vest
> > pocket?"
> > * "That's a good match. I'll use it again."
> > *
> >
>************
> > *
> > * A Pandit sees lot of guys running on the
highway.
> > Asks a
> >
> > * bystander as to why're the guys doing what
they're
> > doing.
> > * The bystander: A
Pandit:
> > What do
> > * they
> > *
> > * get from that?
> > * Bystander : The winner will get a prize
> > * Pandit : Then why are the others running?!
> > *
> > *
> >
>************
> > * Then there's the one about the Panditji who
> > brought his
> >
> > * binoculars to a funeral where they were going to
> > bury a
> > * DISTANT relative of his...
> >
> > ************
> > One Pandit came to
> > do shopping in Burma
> > bazaar. His Tamilian friend told the Pandit
> > that the prices
> > will
> > be
> >
> > costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the
> > price.
> >
> > Pandit went and asked the price of
> > stereo for which the vendor
> >
> > told 2000 Rs. Pandit asked for Rs.1000.
> > vendor told he can give
> > for
> >
> > Rs.1800 for which Pandit told no, no only Rs.900.
> >
> > Vendor told ok, I will give it for 1500
> > Rs. for which Pandit
> > bargained for Rs.750. It was going on like
> > this when finally
> > vendor
> >
> > out of irritation said he will give the Pandit the
> > stereo free
> > of
> > cost.
> >
> > "Our Pandit asked whether he will give
> > two."
> >
> > ************
> > A Pandit buys a ticket and wins the
> > lottery. He goes to
> >
> > to
> > claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
> > Our Pandit says, "I want my $20
> > million."
> >
> > The man replied, "No, Sir. It doesn't
> > work that way. We give
> > you
> > a million today and then you'll get the rest
spread
> > out for the
> > next
> >
> > 19 years.
> > " Pandit said, "Oh, no. I want all my
> > money right now! I won
> > it
> >
> > and I want it."
> >
> > Again, the man explained that he would only get
> > a million that
> > day
> > and
> > the rest during the next 19 years.
> > Pandit, furious with the man, screams
> > out, "Look, I want my
> > money! if you're not going to give me my $20
million
> > right now, then I want my 1 dollar
> > back!"
> >
> > ************
> > Pandit Sharma went to the emergency
> > room with the tip
> > of
> > his
> > index finger blown off.
> > "How did this happen?" the doctor
> > asked.
> > "Well I was trying to commit suicide,"
> > Sharma replied.
> > The doctor asked, "Trying to commit
> > suicide by shooting your
> > finger?"
> > "No, silly! First I put the gun on my
> > head and I thought my
> > face
> > would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and
I
> > thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my
> > teeth straightened.
> > So
> > then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is
> > going
> > to make a loud noise, so I put my finger
> > in my other ear
> > before
> > I
> > pulled the trigger.
> >
> > ************
> > After making a trip of
> > Singh, his wife and his
> > son
> > were
> > returning to Punjab in Tamil Nadu Express.
> > Verma was
> > occupying
> > the
> > lower berth, his wife the middle berth and
> > his son the top most
> > berth
> > in
> >
> > the train.
> > When the train stopped at one of the
> > stations on the way back the
> > son
> > requested Verma to bring him a cup of
> > ice-cream to which Santa
> > readily agreed. When Santa and his son
> > returned they found that a
> > South
> >
> > Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had
> > occupied his son's berth.
> > Outraged, Verma called the TTE and
> > asked him to help. TTE
> > requested
> > that he could not understand Hindi/ Punjabi
> > so it would be better if
> > Verma explained the whole situation to him
in
> > English.
> > Verma explained, "That man sleeping on top
of
> > my wife is not
> > giving
> > berth to my child."
> >
> > ************
> > A Pandit was walking along, when he looked
> > up to observe a bird
> > flying
> > overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load
> > when it was directly over
> > him.
> > The Pandit says, "It is good that cows don't fly.
> >
> > ************
> > A Pandit is in a bar and his cellular phone
> > rings, so he picks it up
> > and
> >
> > says " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
> >
> > ************
> > How many Pandits does it take to pull off a
> > kidnapping?
> > Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to
> > write the ransom note.
> >
> > ************
> > Why are Pandit secret agents the best in the
> > world?
> > Because even under torture they can't
> > remember what they have been
> > assigned to.
> >
> > ************
> > Did you hear about the Pandit who signed all
> > his checks so no one
> > else
> > could use them if he lost his checkbook?
> >
> > ************
> > Did you hear about the Pandit who asked his
> > friends to give him all
> > of
> > their burnt out light bulbs?
> > He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a
> > Darkroom.
> >
> > ************
> > Sharma was painting his living room one
> > hot day.
> > "Why", his friend Verma asked him, "are you
> > wearing two
> > jackets?".
> > "Because," said Sharma, "The directions on
the
> > can says 'put on
> > two
> >
> > coats'."
> >
> > ************
> > A Pandit was given the job of painting the
> > white lines down the
> > middle
> > of
> > a highway. On his first day he painted six miles;
> > the next day three
> > miles; the following day less than a mile. Then
the
> > foreman asked
> > the
> > Pandit why he kept painting less each day, he
> > replied
> > "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep
> > getting farther away
> > from
> > the
> > paint can."
> >
> > ************
> > Why does a Pandit keep empty beer bottles in
> > his fridge?
> > They're there for those who don't drink.
> >
> > ************
> > Why do Pandits have see-through lunch box
> > lids?
> > So that when they're on the train they can tell if
> > they're going to
> > work
> >
> > or coming home.
> >
> > ************
> > Pandit, a Japanese, and a British were lost
> > in the desert. They were
> > driving around in a Jeep when it broke down,
> > because they had
> > nothing
> > else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep
> > as they continued
> > their
> > journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the
> > British took the seat,
> > and
> > the Pandit took the door.
> >
> > After a while of walking the British asked
> > the Japanese "I'm
> > confused,
> > why
> > did you bring the radiator?" The Japanese
> > responded, "If I get
> > thirsty,
> > I
> > can drink the fluid."
> >
> > Next the Pandit asked the British "Why did
> > you bring the seat?" So
> > the
> > British said "If I get tired,I am not going
> > to sit on the sand. I
> > can
> > sit
> > on this comfortable seat."
> >
> > Finally the Japanese asked the Pandit why he
> > had chosen the door.
> > The
> > Pandit quickly responded to this question, "Well,
> > when it gets hot
> > all
> > I
> > have to do is roll down the window."
> >
> > ************
> > Why couldn't the Pandit write the number
> > "eleven"?
> > He didn't know which "one" came first...
> >
> > ************
> > Did you hear about the Pandit skydiver?
He missed the Earth!
>> Once Bill gates who supposed to be the most
>> Intelligent man get irritated by this compliment
>> he just wants to be cool
>> so requested doctor to reduce mind strength
>>by half by reducing machine
>>to do half ,machine takes half an hour
>>but doctor forgotten and after 1 hour they pull of machine
>>just IN TENSION
>>but when Bill wake up, he smiled &said
SASRIYAKAAL…………………
****************************************************
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8:09 PM
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